Who The Heck Is E Cullen?
by Rabid Tofu
Summary: Three years ago Bella went to Vegas, had a few drinks, danced to a few songs, oh and she got married.
1. Chapter 1

_The room was dim, illuminated by neon signs declaring different types of beer, I sipped on the Blue Hawaiian in my hand as I navigated the dance floor._

_Hands grabbed my hips as a sensual voice chuckled in my ear. I swayed to the music, looking at a jaw line that made me tingle in foreign places. _

_Fluorescent light made me wince but I just laughed as my hair was nuzzled, a warm arm wrapped around my waist as I hastily signed my name to a piece of paper. _

_Flashes of skin and muscles and arms and twined legs. Green eyes, perfect green eyes. _

_The sun was bright and my head pounded, I felt around blindly but the space beside me was empty. I dressed in my dirty clothes that were scattered haphazardly around the room, I was buttoning my jeans when I noticed the ring on my finger, I reached into my back pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. _

I jerked awake, causing Mike's arm to fall off my waist, he continued to snore lightly as I laid back down, fully awake, the moonlight illuminated our bedroom apartment. I sighed as I gazed over to the desk Mike and I used to pay bills and such. I looked at the bottom left hand drawer, we kept our important documents in it, such as bank statements and birth certificates, and in the very back of it, hidden under a box of carefully organized receipts was a very expensive and beautiful ring that was at least one hundred years old and a creased document, the same creased document I had apparently signed almost three years ago in Las Vegas, Nevada. Next to my signature was a very elegant signature declaring my husband to be E. Cullen.

I shifted my eyes to my left hand, moonlight sparkled off the ring that, even after several hours, still didn't feel as if it belonged. My fiancée groaned and put his hand back on my waist.


	2. Chapter 2

Rosalie Hale was freaking snorting. She was snorting like a barnyard pig and she was still the prettiest girl in the coffee shop, and possibly within a two mile radius, and that included the cover girl modeling agency up the street and around the corner.

I rolled my eyes at the man behind the counter who was ogling her. He was openly gay.

"Will you knock it off?" I tried not to seethe and glare with no such luck. "You are the worst best friend in history!" I told her, throwing up my arms in exasperation when she kept laughing. At least she was no longer snorting.

"I told you to take me with you…" she said smugly once she had stopped laughing, that was until she glanced down at the shiny new engagement ring on my finger and started back up again. Rosalie wasn't your typical best friend, and she certainly wasn't the type of person who I imagined would be sitting across from me when I was twenty six years old and confessing all my problems and issues in a coffee shop in Seattle. We were polar opposites in every way, she hated talking about feelings and the last time we hugged was the day my dog died two years ago, but out of all the friends I had had through the years she was the one I was closest to.

I just groaned and pulled at my hair before lightly slamming by head onto the glass table top and putting my arms over my head as I remembered how she had told me not to go alone and that I would just get myself into trouble as she rolled herself back underneath the old Buick she was fixing. I had just gotten my tax refund back and was itching to get out of the cloud covered city though, so I went anyways.

And got drunk.

And married.

And I didn't even know his first name.

"At least you know your last name," Rosalie had snickered, referring to a country song that had been playing on the radio frequently by the time I had worked up the nerve to tell her. I had irrationally feared that she would take the news badly so it took a few days after my return to work up the nerve to tell her, but she just snickered and said, "told you so," she didn't even gape at me, frankly I was a bit peeved at her lack of reaction to one of my biggest mistakes, and I told her so. She had just looked at me and asked me in a slightly condescending voice, "Bella, what happened the last time you got drunk?" I blushed but didn't say anything, so she continued, "Don't you remember? You had one too many glasses of that cheap wine at Laurens wedding and threw, yes _threw_" she emphasized, smirking, "yourself at the groom. Now that was a fun night!" She laughed as I blushed profusely and glared at her. "And what about the time before that?" she asked in a mockingly sweet voice, "You started singing…"

"Ok, ok!" I interrupted before she could do a recount of _that _night.

I peeked back up at her when she finally stopped laughing but she was still smirking at me so I put my forehead back onto the glass table top and stared through the textured glass at my distorted feet.

After a few moments of silence she sighed the sigh I swore she reserved just for me in the moments I needed her, "Bella," she said wearily, I gazed up at her in hopes that she had some good advice to offer me in my time of need, "the solution is very simple," she said as I held my breath, "become a Mormon."

She looked dead serious until she saw my eyes fill with panic.

Then she smirked and I let my head fall back onto the glass with another groan while she broke into another fit of laughter.

I was never going to tell her when she had spinach in her teeth ever again.

Not that she ever got spinach in her perfect teeth.

But still.

"Rose, please?" I begged her, not picking my head up.

"What can I say Bella? Hire a P.I, put an ad out on Craig's List 'Girl seeking man she drunkenly married on accident' I don't know". She sounded a bit distressed, which was rare for Rosalie Hale. I looked up her again and the smirk she reserved for just me was gone, she studied her perfectly manicured nails to avoid looking at me, something she did when she got emotional, no one would notice, to them she would just look bored, but we were best friends after all.

I sighed and sat up. I looked at my shiny new ring Mike had nervously pulled out of his shirt pocket the night before, the ring I had allowed him to slip onto my ring finger after he had gotten up off his knee. I had said yes of course, that's what you said when your boyfriend of two and a half years got down on his knee in an elegant restaurant and asks you to marry him.

Mike didn't know about E. Cullen. and it was entirely too late to tell him. I should have told him when we first got together a few months after it happened, but I chickened out and by the time we became a serious couple I was afraid that if I told him he would leave me.

_And now he wants to marry me. _

I was honestly trying to word my Craig's List ad when Rose broke me out of my thoughts.

"When is your anniversary?" she asked and I just looked at her blankly and shot her a look that said _will you please give it a rest? _

"Just tell me already," she sighed, looking mildly irritated.

"March first, what does it matter?"

"That's two weeks away…" she trailed off lost in thought and I folded my arms and rested my head on them so I could watch her think.

"Ok, let's say," she started, "theoretically, that Cullen is looking for you too, god he probably has his own gaited community in Texas…" I glared at her and she smirked and continued, "My point is, if he is looking for his eigth wife, and surely his hottest one," I shot her another glare, the Mormon jokes were getting old, "then he will probably try to find you on your anniversary," she finished and I just stared at her until what she was saying finally sunk in.

"No. Freakin. Way." I told her blatantly, I was not going back to that city ever again.

She sighed, "then I would suggest you convert, I hear it takes some time".

I groaned again and buried my head back into my arms.

"I'll go with you," Rose said, "I'll help you and keep you out of trouble, we'll find the guy, I personally think he deserves a good punch in the face," she told me, nonchalantly.

"Promise?" I asked her.

"What? To punch him in the face? What are best friends for?"

* * *

**Ok, so Rabid Tofu is shooting for humor this time after a six month absence. Life crisis, family crisis, technical crisis, love crisis, oh well, I'm **

**back now. I deleted my other stories, because lets face it, they were crap. **

**R&R**

**P&L  
Rabid Tofu**


	3. Chapter 3

**I should probably mention that the characters in previous and future chapters are not mine, they belong Meyer, blah blah blah...**

**I should also give an OOC warning? O.o **

* * *

"so…." Mike chewed and swallowed before he continued, "you and Rosalie are going to Las Vegas in a week and a half." He said this slowly, trying to wrap his mind around the concept I supposed. I nodded and took another stab at my asparagus, trying to avoid his confused blue eyes.

"Yep." I told him with a pop of my lips and took a drink of my tea as I tried to disregard the awkward silence.

I had told him bluntly once dinner had begun and had watched him digest it as he ate the dinner I had defrosted and put into the skillet, foregoing the microwave instructions.

Mike was a kind and simple man who had a tendency to be quite boring, he wanted a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, a dog, and two point five kids. The American dream, and after moving around most of my life with my eccentric mother I didn't mind the idea of stability.

I hadn't fallen for Mike right away, but he was persistent and I had eventually given in and now loved him like a comfortable old t-shirt. I could see myself, maybe not absolutely brimming with happiness, but content in fifty years.

Though I didn't look ahead fifty years too often, I tended to see myself with orange hair and twenty cats for some incomprehensible reason.

"But, why?" Mike finally asked with the most confused look on his face.

I laughed a little at his confusion, "Why the hell not, Mike?"

"But… we just got engaged!" His brows were still folded into confusion as he looked down at his plate, he tended to get that look a lot when I talked to him, it was as if everything I did confused him to no end.

I looked at him blankly, "And?"

I instantly chided myself, I was being insensitive I knew, but the idea of marriage to Mike didn't really matter to me, it was just another necessary step in my life.

And apparently it would be my second marriage.

So much for my childhood dream to marry one man and be married forever and ever.

Oh wait, I never had that dream.

I was so robbed of a normal childhood… _that could be a bumper sticker…_

I snickered to myself.

"Bella?" Mike eyed me as if I had gone crazy, I sighed, _just tell him, _I thought to myself as I eyed the too shiny ring on my finger and idly wondered if the diamond came from Africa and wondered at Mike's reaction if I were to ask and decided against it.

I looked up into his blue eyes and knew I couldn't tell him, it was too late and it would only elicit the smallest of reactions from him, which I didn't deserve. I needed him to be mad at me, to force me to grovel and beg for forgiveness, but he wouldn't, he would accept it and tell me it didn't matter to him.

Mike was mild and boring in that way, he avoided confrontation at all costs.

"So we thought we would leave next Thursday, and be back Tuesday," I told him, "is that ok?"

He looked at me with pressed lips and I knew he wanted to tell me no, but I knew he wouldn't, he just nodded and resumed eating.

I jumped up and kissed him on the cheek in thanks and made my way to the kitchen to scrape my leftovers into a Tupperware and put it in the fridge. I leaned up against the counter and sighed, wishing for some reason he had told me no.

-*-

"And all he did was nod," I told Rosalie as I plopped down into a heavily padded chair, slipping a bit as it tried to roll out from under me.

Rosalie's jean cladded legs stuck out from beneath a small car as she grunted and reached blindly for a wrench that was beside her hip.

"What did you expect Bella," she asked me in a strained voice as she tightened something, using all the strength she possessed, "him to tell you no? He never tells you no to anything, it's pathetic."

I grimaced, feeling a touch of protectiveness, "stop knocking Mike, he's a good guy."

"True," she grunted again and swore under her breath, "can't deny he's boring as hell though," she said, a bit out of breath.

Rosalie rolled out from underneath the car and looked at me, "I really can't see why you want to marry him, just saying," she picked herself up and went to wash her hands at her oversized industrial sink. She worked the grease off her hands as I rotated myself to the right and left slowly.

Her remark caught me off guard, she had never expressed a particular like or dislike towards Mike, but Rosalie was that way with most people so it hadn't bothered me.

"So do you not think I should marry him?" I asked her, quietly.

She stilled and thought about it for a minute before shrugging and resuming her scrubbing, "Hell if I know, I just want to go to Vegaeess." She turned her head and winked at me.

* * *

**Sheesh Tofu, get to the goods already why dont'cha? Your soo sadistic..... **

**tehehe**

**We go to Vegas next chapter, dont worry :D **

**Good holidays people, just smile and pretend that you like everything, then sell it on ebay (atleast wait a month or so first though) **

**hmm, worst gift ever? **

**P&L  
Rabid Tofu**


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